Xmas and Y of It All

You know, I am the first one to sing along to Wham's Last Christmas (ever listen to the awesomely horrid and sad words of that song?), and I love me some quality, scrumptious turkey stuffing and pumpkin-everything. The season de holiday surely brings warm fuzzies to the soul; nonetheless, the last quarter of the year has chunks of quiet and gray for me and (I assume) lots of folks. When time is federally given off from the work day to supposedly spend time with loved ones (and to be constantly filled with merriment and the smell of fabricated pine) it makes the not-so-obvious crap, more apparent. Walls are lowered, personal-guards take a hiatus and sensitivities are high. For me, my mind wanders more frequently to a mama who is no longer with me, my heart tightens not-so-slightly and I get a chill (to the bone) that I cannot shake.  Trust me, I have tried everything -- Motown, masks, heating pads, goldschlager.  Nothing and still so cold. 

I am slowly approaching Year 9.  That’s like a fourth grader. That’s how long (+ 365 days) Love Actually has been out.  Here’s an algebraic equation for you:

(Bennet + 5 Years) and (Ruby + 7 Years) = 9 Freakin’ Years

 

 and

The following is for those of you who are better at geometry.  I am not one of you; however, I strive to be sensitive to all mathematical needs.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my numbers, slopes, angles and midpoints don’t lie.  When it comes to losing someone, the time part of it (that part that ticks and tocks constantly in my head and heart) really does not make sense.  Whether it is year one or year 57 (I am sure of this), it feels the same each year.  I miss her.  I turned 35.  I still miss her.  It’s a pretty simple formula, really. 

As the twelfth month of the year approaches us in a jarring wave of commercials and bells and peppermint smells, I cannot help but think of my fellow brothers and sisters who may be hanging onto the coattails of loss.  I cannot assume your heart-thoughts.  Just know that someone has walked a (different) path alongside you and, in essence, cares.  I care a lot, and I think of you often.

Much too hard to find my heart

Far beyond raw to mend this hole

She closed her eyes.  She made a choice.

Lost my footing, dimmed my soul

 

Pages turned and steps were made

Skies, slow and cautious, changed to bright

Held out my hand.  Find it, friend.

You traipsed my path, unyielding fight.

 

Brand new day and lessons owned

Fort of friendship against alone

My eyes see clearly.  I see it well. 

Solace found in hearts I've known.