Big Feelings

I don't remember how old I was, but I was too old to be crying.  Dad just left to go to work, and I was sitting in a bubbling blood-bath of paper, eraser markings and some semblance of grade-school math.  As early as memory could take hold in a human, I understood that Dad was a smart man.  It wasn't that I was an intuitive child.  Rather, he just blatantly told me, "I am a smart.  Will you be smart enough for the world? Can you make it?"  On that day, I was not.  The tears already wetting the work he showed me.  Mom took the chance to, once again, remind me not to be so hypersensitive.  "The world is cruel and hard, khó, and you will have a hard time. Dừng khóc nữa. Stop crying." So, I set on my mission.  Smart and Stoic I became.  For the next decade and a half, I did just that.  Crying was replaced by a hollow lump in my throat, and I graduated Summa Cum Laude.  Done and done.  

Once my Texas education was completed, I ventured into the world (it was actually the lowlands of Wisconsin) and unloaded my parental expectations.  I steadily settled into my goofy, energized, quiet, passionate, tearful self.  The Feelings started to resurface and exponentially increased with age.  Of course, there were moments that have propelled Feelings to Big Feelings.  Mom's death and the girls' births were surely catalysts.  It appears the life cycle contributes to such matters, eh?

I now relish in the full glory of all my emotional states.  I try my darndest to not apologize for tears.  Rather, I directly tell people, "Tears mean that something is important to me."  Then, I just cry in their faces.  So, take it.  Mascara smears, nose boogidigunk, occasional sobs, all of the nastiness and beauty of it.  In my previous job, I think I cried to at least one member of every team.  And, don't think I overlooked the executive director.  I am thorough.  There we sat on the 3rd floor in front of a wall of windows.  It was awkward for him and really okay with me.  

I feel that my Big Feelings exist for everyone who crosses my peculiar path.  Family and friends know this side of me.   It's odd, to me, that now this also applies to those I see for 40+ hours during the work week.  My professional peers, oh my.  From my experience, once I see a coworker as a human (first) with successes, challenging life crap, quirky personalities and grumpies, it makes it easier/better/more transparent to work alongside him.  I get her, so I am more forgiving.  I find myself having meaningful life conversations with co-workers, and I whole-heartedly believe that this helps us work better.  Trust is earned somewhere along the way.  There's a lot to be said for vulnerability, and I wonder if it could add some goodness to our occupational lives?  For someone who, at one time, kept a padlock on my personal life, I find myself saying more.  I am not sure if it's because I have lived more life.  Is it because I am searching for meaningful connections?  Maybe I don't care as much what others think? (Mom would like this.) Is it because I now understand that everyone's (the happy, bubbly sunshines of the world and those who are always consider themselves "less than") life is hard at any given time, and I want to validate all feelings and life paths?  I don't know, really.  I just wonder if we could all use a little more heart-work?  You know, delving out the not-so-pleasant feelings and happy flutters that regularly impact our emotional states in a setting that may not be so comfortable and ready for such revealing whims.  We already put so much hard work out there.  Maybe a little more heart-work?
 

I am not sure if mom realized it, but my Big Feelings brought me my profession.  It kicks me in the arse often, and I love it so much.  After a year of not seeing students, I was able to drown myself in a big ole vat of speech-language therapy this past week. Oh, how I missed it so! One mere therapy session launched me into a euphoric tizzy.  With stoicism long gone, Big Feelings taking over like badass zombies and some decent brain power, I am Doing Something, and it feels good.