Mama Without

People tell me I have positive energy. I believe these words.  Nonetheless, 24 hours a day, at any given time, one singular thought catapults me to an irrational, self-loathing state.  I do not have a mother.  Not only do I not have the pleasure/angst/comfort of having the woman who birthed me to console/critique me on a daily basis, she left me before I had the chance to have my own children.  Math says that the shortest distance between two points is a line.  The shortest distance between my typical pro-active, content self and an angry, pitiful middle-aged woman is a government issued 8x11 sheet of paper.  I present Exhibit A:

 

Based on weekly pools of tears created by my own eyes, one would think this is somewhat of a recent change in my life.  In reality, Mom passed away in December of 2004.  She has been dead for 8 years.  It was hard losing her.  For hours, I remembered listening to her laborious breathing.  They kept giving her morphine to keep her comfortable.  For weeks after her death, each time someone around me took a deep breath or sighed, I would run to the next room.  What I did not anticipate is the increased feelings of anger with her/life/circumstances with each additional day I spend with my daughters.  Bennet is 4, and Ruby is 2.  I am now ready to say that I am really angry that I am a sole Mama.  I am a mother without a mother.  I am raising my girls to be kind, tenacious, intelligent women without any support from the woman who taught me these important life tenets.  I feel alone in this journey of parenting without my mother, and I cannot wrap my head around this.  I have tried, and I just cannot do it.  I pride myself on always finding solutions.  At work, I can find ways to help teachers teach, children communicate, people understand.  At home, Jeremy and I talk through each disagreement, each decision.  This one detail in my life has now become a suffocating boulder.

 

Within the time span of one week, both my husband and closest friend said, "Maybe you need to go talk to someone about this?"  It is time for me to embrace all of this.  I am going to get through this by doing what takes me to my most lonely moments - telling my story.  I am hopeful this endeavor will be positive for my walking-hearts.  Present Exhibit B:

 

 

I have much, much love to give to my daughters, my husband and my ever-so-giving family and friends.  This mama just needs to fill her soul by finding a way to let go.  Step one is acknowledgement.  I have a problem.  Welcome to this soul mama's first therapy session.